one chubby vegan

so bummed

another one of my “vegetarian” friends posted how she was pumped about “cased meats and beer on memorial day!”

why can’t i find consistently veg friends?  i’m not even asking for vegans at this point…just nonmeat eating people!

i’ve been so bummed lately, and this just adds to it.

TUMBLREALITY

ME (after spending a reasonable amount of time on tumblr in the morning): 

god! i’m so inspired to do so many things! i’m gonna run! i’m gonna make a ton of delicious vegan food!  take pictures outside! do yoga! meditate! i’m going to write to a political prisoner!  i’m gonna SMASH the FUCKING PATRIARCHY! i’m going to go camping! and ride my bike! read inspirational books and quotes! i’m going to hug kittens and love my body and rescue all the animals!  i’m gonna travel and masturbate and then i’m going to make some vegan cookies! YOLO, mother fucker!

ME (after realizing it’s night time and all i did was spend the day on tumblr):

SHIT.

there’s hope.

it’s been FIVE years since i’ve graduated high school!

i was kind of bummed, but then i realized some cool things have happened in the past five years:

-met my husband
-married my best friend
-went to the east coast
-went to hawaii
-camped a ton of times
-went to university to study something that i love
-went skinny dipping with a ton of people and did moonlight meditation in a giant lake
-backpacked in the states alone
-became vegan
-stayed vegan
-figured out what i truly believe in
-followed devendra banhart around the country
-got a ride from ghost mice
-had phil elverum from mount eerie stay in my house
-made a home
-i was hospitalized twice, which isn’t cool, but it made me stronger
-figured out why i felt so weird/received a diagnosis
-made progress in managing my mental illness
-lost weight, gained weight, starting losing weight
-found yoga
-found meditation
-started biking again
-lived in the city
-figured out what i’m truly passionate about


hopefully the next five years are just a great! 

Replace one word in your URL with “COCK”

unicornemma:

myfoundbeauty:

quozmonster:

black—blood:

shinigamireaperchop:

ShinigamiReaperCock…….

Welp….

black—cock

no regrets that shits hi-fucking-larious

Cockmonster

Winner is me

Found cock? Cock beauty? Either way is working for me!

I don’t normally do these things, but… UnicornCock.

:(

ONE CHUBBY COCK.
 

(Source: supaspicy)

“but you don’t look depressed!”   “i’ve never seen you manic.”

i’ve gotten really good at hiding my emotions and mental illness. i’ve become a pro at hiding emotions, avoiding talking about emotions, and not allowing myself slip up and show signs.  

it’s weird when i hear comments like this from friends because while it’s kind of weirdly flattering (GOOD JOB AT LOOKING NORMAL! and it’s kind of due to the hard work i put into self care/making sure i have support to try to prevent episodes and handle them well without much disruption), it reminds me that most people don’t really understand mental illness outside of extreme cases or hyperbolic representations through media or stigma/what they think mental illness looks like.  it’s also problematic because i feel guilty for having this illness.  whenever i have to assert my diagnosis to take care of myself (like telling work that i missed a day because i couldn’t convince myself to get out of bed because of my bipolar disorder not because i’m a slacker), i feel guilty and almost like i’m making it up, if that makes sense.  i also feel like i almost have to “convince” people i’m sick.  then sometimes i get into this weird spiral of maybe i’m just a big baby and none of this is real (it’s really easy to fall into this spiral of guilt and self blaming when i’m depressed).  

i hate to relate this to my parents, but it was really difficult for them to accept that i was sick (until my first hospitalization, where things got real pretty quickly) and really believe in mental illness.  i think these feelings stem from them. namely from my father, who would tell me to “suck it up” or that i wasn’t really depressed. my dad is still pretty anti-medication (he “found jesus” and stopped using drugs.  he subsequently thinks that everyone can “find jesus” and be all better.)  i don’t know. 

the reason i bring this up is because i’ve been really struggling lately.  my husband had to convince me to eat today.  i’ve just been really stressed, and i can feel myself wanting to avoid everything.  i’ve also been dealing with having to force myself to do things.  anyways, i’m stuck at an internship that i hate and it’s so overwhelming.  i just don’t know what to do, really.  i’m working with my psychiatrist and psychologist, but i still don’t know what to do about the whole situation.  

sorry that this is completely not related to fitness or eating better (which has been hard to do).  i just needed to vent. 

step one: get help

so, i started my “become a farmer in just one hour a day for a year or however long it takes” project tonight.

i’m going to start a new tumblr, too.  so keep an eye out for that.  (some of you [let’s be real, no one really cares to even think this but i’m going to pretend because it’s something that my own inner voice questioned] might say, “but, danielle, you have another tumblr that you rarely update!”  to which i respond, “yeah, but this is different. it’s for documentation which is much sexier than reblogging or posting silly pictures i take.  plus i really like having a different tumblr for different themes of what i like, so shushyomouf”)

 i’ve emailed a university of pittsburgh alumni who owns and operates her own farm.  i took a chance, and hopefully, she gets back to me.  i figure all the help i can get is needed.  besides, having a mentor-type is probably a good idea.

GO TEAM! 

i think that i am losing my mind.

so, even though i don’t really post anything related to my mental illness here, i’ve been struggling lately, and i need to vent.

i made appointments last week with my psychiatrist and psychologist, both went well, but i still feel like shit.

basically, my internship is hell. it’s 35 hours a week, when i only need 15 to complete my credit, and it’s super stressful.  on top of that, i’m getting paid below minimum wage at $1000 a month, before taxes.

dustin (my husband) and i planned a super fun trip today to try to make me feel better, get out of the city, and lower my stress levels.  

we wake up early to go rent a car (since we can’t afford to own one…we decided to take a bit out of savings to do this since it’s something that we both needed and we also had to pick up an old air conditioner from his parents),  and we were turned down because our credit was too low.  basically, my credit is too low because of medical debt from my hospitalizations.  

i swear to god, this country is so fucked. not only does my life such because i don’t have any money, but it also sucks because of the fake money i don’t have.

so much for de-stressing.  

WEIRD UPDATE.

+ remember when women used to wear leotards to the gym?  i’m bringing that back.
i’m watching seinfeld and damn, elaine looks like a total babe in her leotard. i guess elaine looks like a total babe all the time.



+ also, dustin and i made baja tacos for dinner, and they were awesome (it’s my cheat meal).  vegan pepperjack cheese sauce?  crispy cornmeal dusted potatoes?  sigh. tacos, you’re the best.


+ in other news, the groundhog that hangs out in our backyard was trying to get in our kitchen door today. it was kind of terrifying.  she also has two babies now.  i hope our neighbors don’t bitch about her and call animal control or something awful.


+ i’ve also decided that i’m going to spend an hour every day researching how to make my dream of having my own vegan homestead into a real thing.  i’m going to start a blog i think and document everything.  go team!